The question was recently posed to me “how can you be so quick to cut off family?” I found that to be a very interesting inquiry indeed. Since my previous attempts to illustrate my way of thinking were met with faces void of comprehension I had to think about how I was presenting my answer and why I wasn’t being understood. That is when I realized there is a mental barrier with people when they use the term “family.” This is a word whose real meaning has grown obscure in people’s mind; at least lately.
What is family? Whenever this word is mentioned people naturally think of those they live with, either those that raised them or they are raising. This can be both depending on where you are at in your life. Is this wrong? Not entirely. To me the pure form of the word should fit with this mental image. The problem is that people take for granted that those we live with and the idea of family are one in the same. That would be erroneous.
Gasp! Shudder! What blasphemous words are you speaking!
Now, before you call me dirty names you really need to hear me out. At this point I really want you to understand why I would make the following statement: the people who you grew up living with and those you currently live with may not be your true family. No, I’m not talking about adoption or some strange experiment (conspiracy theorists: go away). I’m talking about the true meaning of that misused word “family.”
In order to understand what I’m saying you need to bear with me as I create a picture for you. Think of me as an artist. After a few strokes with my brush on a canvas you can not possibly know what I am painting.
Yet, this is exactly what happens. I’ll have another rant later about communication. For now, suffice it to say in today’s world our skills at communicating are lacking. Mostly we are all horrible at the most important ingredient for successful dialogue: we don’t know how to listen all the way through without completing the picture in our mind. We think we see the whole thing from a few strokes. That means, sit down and listen while I explain myself.
For me the realization that the term “family” is misunderstood and misused is started when I was in high school and I moved back to Ohio to finish. During my senior year I made a few friends that I would become very close to. One of them, we’ll call him Juan, shared with me a profound thought that I often revisit. He would frequently talk about me being part of the “family” and what that meant to him. The idea is this: family is about the relationships we develop and the bounds that we make. When you are family you go beyond being just friends. You will be able to go years without talking to each other, pick up the phone one night and pick up where you left off. This doesn’t even begin to describe the concept. In fact, it isn’t easy to put it into words, but once you learn to recognize what it feels like you will always be able to recognize it. Friends are great, but they come and go. Don’t believe me? Try moving to another state sometime. See how many friends you feel like you stay close to. Sending the occasional Christmas card and chain letter does not count for squat. My car salesman does that, he certainly isn’t family. No, family would hunt you down after a couple of years of no contact and manage to find you even though you changed addresses several times since your last communication. That’s family.
Family is about actions and feelings. It is about behavior and how you are treated. It also deals with how you treat them. Family is a title that has to be worked on regularly and not something that is bestowed simply because you share DNA. That is something else. I’ve been accused of being strange since it seems that I am so willing to cut out of my life people that others consider my “family.” Why are they my family? Because a few protein strains within our cells match? No, that’s called being related. There is a difference.
A relative is flesh and blood.
I’ll say something again: Family is about actions and feelings.
If you are merely related to me but your behavior is contrary to the definition of family then why should it be difficult to walk away? We don’t have a relationship. We have an association. People are loosing contact with associates all the time. How many former co-workers are you still close to? Guarantee not even 5% of them. If that, I’m being generous here. That is an associate.
Check with any mental health or behavioral expert out there. They will all tell you that a healthy relationship involves two people that both put forth effort to make things work out. It doesn’t matter the relationship either. Any time two human beings are interacting they will have to both make sincere and concerted effort for their activity to be considered a healthy relationship. That goes for husband/wife, friends, co-workers, parent/child, and any other family relationship for that matter. It can not be overly one sided.
If you are constantly expecting the other person to come to your place just so you can see each other – well you had better be an invalid for it to count towards relationship building. If you’re the one making all the effort to communicate (like picking up the phone) then you may be in a one sided relationship. If the other person can only talk about themselves or things going on around them and not really interested in what you have to say, that’s not very healthy. Let’s face it, you know when the other person is being sincere or not. Those of you who aren’t being sincere need to face reality that you obviously don’t care. I love it when people who are guilty of doing something wrong never think you’re talking about them.
I could go on for a very long time but I hope by now you are getting the point. It’s time to seriously evaluate your “relationship” with those you claim to be close to. Starting with those you call “family.” You may be surprised at what you see. Those whom you considered as such really aren’t anything more then an acquaintance. It is also likely you find that you have people who don’t share any of your DNA are actually better family then those who do.
To go back to the question I was asked earlier, yes I do have an easy time cutting off relatives from my life. That’s because they have removed themselves from what I consider family. Family does not act selfishly not caring about how their actions could affect those they claim to love. If you have a friend who constantly either just uses you, hurts your feelings, or just generally acts unfriendly what do you do? Ah, most people cease being friends with them. For some reason though, people have this notion that just because someone is a blood relation you can’t do that. Why not? That is my question. When it is obvious that the relation is not a healthy and uplifting one why should you continue to subject yourself to the pain for the sake of some shared genetic code? News flash, technically we share genetic material with every human on earth. That means that by that definition you have a lot of family out there in this wide world. Maybe it’s time to go find the ones that will actually reciprocate you love and affection. If the ones you are currently working on are incapable of doing so then it should be obvious they do not deserve the wonderful person that you are. Let’s face reality, you are wonderful or else you wouldn’t keep subjecting yourself to such torment for someone who obviously does not care.
What has brought me to such a sad, pessimistic view point? Well, for starters, I don’t see it as either sad or pessimistic. My feeling is that there is such little time in this life that we have been granted. We are hardly able to accomplish all the dreams we have as it is. As a people we are constantly troubled with why we have such little time. That means what we do have is a priceless commodity. If that is true then why do we insist on wasting it upon those who are incapable of appreciating it? Now, I’m not saying you should completely right them off and have nothing to do with them. They may come around. Since you do share a history of being in the same clan-like-unit it won’t hurt to be available from time to time.
On a regular basis we need to be evaluating and reevaluating every relationship we maintain. We have to ask ourselves tough questions about that relationship. It may be that we are in danger of being one of those thoughtless associates and are risking pushing away a very valuable person. Then how sad our existence would be without them there? Then at the same time are we wasting a lot of energy on a relationship that is obviously unhealthy?
How can we know if it’s unhealthy?
A simple initial test would be to ask yourself is: how do I feel after spending time with or talking to this person? Do we feel good? Is it uplifting? Do we feel worse? Do emotions of anger and resentment follow us afterwards? Which of these is the most frequent? If negative feelings out number the positive then there is a problem. It’s time to do some soul searching.
Sometimes we feel that it is worse for us to get out of unhealthy relationships when it is someone we are conditioned with thoughts that we have to cling to. Who do I mean? Parents, siblings, and even spouses. If your relationship with them is unhealthy then you need to remove yourself from it. Family is about creating a group of healthy relations you can always count on. I’m not saying you have to stop loving them. Far from it. Love them. Love them with all your heart. You just may need to consider doing that from a safe distance for your own mental health’s sake. It may not even be a bad idea to consider telling them how you feel. You never know. Unfortunately, there are those relations that doing so is pointless.
By this point I hope you understand better what I was trying to say in the beginning. Family is not a concept that should ever be bequeathed out of some sense of responsibility. It is something that needs to be worked at by all those involved.
Sometimes this means putting your foot down with others. Let me share a brief story. I have a client who has become a dear old friend. She is quite elderly. In her past she was a nanny for four boys. She raised them and became one of the family, in the truest sense of the word. Even when they became adults, she staid close to them and their parents. The one she was closest to has hurt the most. Not so much by his actions but by his inactions and apathy. He married a woman who does not treat her own husband as family. She has no respect for him or the bonds he created. As such she treats his prior family with indifference at best and contempt at worst. She bullies him into making decisions that purposefully distances him from his family. This woman works actively to prevent her children from having any meaningful relationship with their grandparent’s or anyone associated with their fathers “family.” Forcing her husband to move out of state she has even blocked the grandmother’s attempt from having a quality evening with their children prior to the move. This wife is not “family” to her own husband or children. Why? She cares nothing for their healthy relationships. She can’t even have one with them herself.
Now, what is his crime you ask? He allows these travesties to take place. This man continues to allow her to strip him and his children of humanity. He does this all in the name of not wanting to hurt the “family.” What family? The one he lives with? There isn’t one there. It can not exist under these circumstances. This is an opportunity to see if the other person truly believes in the concept. Address the travesty and put your foot down. If they show an unwillingness to make any effort and can not see how they are wrong then it is obvious that is an unhealthy relationship. If they truly care about you as family, they will look to resolve the feelings you have even if they can’t see the immediate source of hurt. As painful as it may be to do, it is time to love them from a distance and for the sake of others allow it to end.
How about the child who constantly attempts to do what is right by their parents and siblings? Child can be a youth or an independent adult. They make every effort to call or visit their family. What are they rewarded with? Indifference is given to them with every act. The child desperately tries to have a relation and all they do is act unconcerned. This child might as well be a second cousin twice removed dropping in on distant relatives for all the warmth they are met with. Siblings constantly use some excuse as a shield. Better yet, they try and turn it back on the poor child. Comments like: “you just don’t like us because of what we do,” or “you’re so different since you married…” With every encounter the child weeps and feels heart broken.
Why? That’s because they are made to feel unloved. When you go somewhere and you are left with the feeling that it would not have mattered to anyone there if you hadn’t shown up, how would you feel?
These are just a few examples of why I am so quick to tell others that they should reconsider their efforts to work on relationships and why I am able to “love ‘em from a distance.”
Family is about what you do. True family will help you be a better person and grow in many different ways. My family? I consider my family my wife, my beautiful children, yes – my parent’s, a sibling, and a handful of close old friends some of which I haven’t spoken to in a long time.
When I got married, Juan gave me a book. It was a compilation of short stories about King Arthur and his knights. He placed a note in there asking me to tell my son these stories so that he too would understand concepts such as loyalty and family. I haven’t talked to Juan in a while. Yep, he still is family.
I still have the book.
-Peter Wilson
December 11, 2006
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